The Legend of Zelda: The Song of Summoning
by slashmaster420
Summary: When Link discovers a new song on his Ocarina with the ability to summon characters from his television, he brings to life several new friends. And then things get freaky. Disclaimer Characters in this story use real life names, but the use of them in this story is based on their characterized and fictional personas. They are caricatures and not meant to violate rules.
1. Chapter 1

It was a peaceful day in Hyrule. Zelda was safe and sound, Ganon wasn't threatening to destroy all life, and Link was enjoying his day off from saving the world by sitting around watching television. He was very content watching The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, his favorite program. Link had but one care in the world: he felt lonely having no friends to enjoy the show with. The only friends he had were strange old trees and obnoxious fairies, neither of which made good company for watching TV. During the commercial breaks, with no one to talk to, he twiddled around on his ocarina.

Slowly, something strange began to happen. While improvising a tune, Link's television began to glow with a bright aura. Intrigued, Link continued to repeat the tune until suddenly there was a bright explosion in front of him that interrupted his playing and caused him to shield his eyes.

He slowly began to open his eyes, and the silhouette of a figure was visible within the foggy glow. Startled, Link jumped up to confront the intruder.

"Hi! Billy Mays here for the original- wait, where the hell am I?"

"HYEAHHHHH," Link responded, never having learned another way.

"The magical kingdom of Hyrule, you say? Well, hi. I'm BILLY MAYS HERE and I guess I... came out of your TV set."

Link looked down at the Ocarina in his hands with amazement. Apparently he had just improvised some new kind of summoning song!

"Hey, what's that you've got there, kid?" asked Billy Mays.

With some hesitation, Link handed his Ocarina to Billy Mays to examine. As soon as it was in his hands, Billy felt the energy resonating from it.

"Looks like you've got a pretty powerful instrument here. Hi! Billy Mays here with the original magic Ocarina! It's easy to use and it is going to change your life!"

With that, Billy began to play the Ocarina and the TV once gain began to glow. The screen was quickly shrouded in fog, but the faint sound of music coming from the TV could be heard vaguely beneath the Ocarina. When the smoke cleared, another man stood in the room with Billy Mays and Link.

"Tha fuck?" the man said, looking around. "What's with this elf shit?"

"Hey!" shouted Billy Mays. "Those headphones around your neck, I'd recognize that product anywhere! They're Beats by Dre!"

"Yeah, no shit. I was doin' a commercial fo' em. Considering they *my* fuckin' headphones, it ain't that weird, but this elf shit is."

"HYEAHHHHHHHH," Link let out with excitement. He reached into his inventory and pulled out a copy of The Chronic 2001 and held it up. Badadadaduhduhduhda!

"Fo'sho lil elf dude," said Dre as he took the CD to sign. "First thing I recognize in this place. Fuck's goin' on?"

"Hi, Billy Mays here and you've just been summoned out of your commercial by this magical Ocarina, only four easy payments of $19.95!"

"...the fuck was in that shit I just took a toke a?" said Dre rubbing his eyes. "This shit's got magic powers? Pass it."

Dre took the Ocarina and began to play "Nuthin' But a G' Thang;" bags of weed began appearing all over the floor of the room. Curious, Link picked one of the bags up, BUH DUH DUH DAHHHH!


	2. Chapter 2

After having settled in and blazed a little chronic, the three were sitting down together watching TV. For the first time, Link felt like he had found some true friends in Billy Mays and Dr. Dre. And Maybe it was just the kush talking, but Link had another great idea.

"Hup!" Link Said as he hopped up from the couch.

He began to play his song once more, and once again the room was filled with a glowing fog. Quick to emerge from the fog was a frantic man, the most surprised of all Link's guests so far.

"Will!" the figure shouted.

"Hi, Carlton! Billy Mays here to tell you that it wasn't Will's antics that brought you here, it was this pointed eared lad, Link!"

"Wha... Where is here?" Carlton stuttered.

"Called Hyrule o' some shit," Dre said in between tokes. "Kid brought you here cause he's a big fan. We been watching yo' show here."

"Oh, well that's fine I gue- wait! Is that marijuana!?"

"Hi! Billy Mays here to tell you this is some good shit! We've even got enough here to give you a courtesy toke, absolutely free! If you're not completely satisfied with how well you get fucked up, you'll get your money back, guaranteed!"

"I'll have you know that I do _not_ smoke marijuana. It's against the law."

"SHEEEERAH," Link retorted eloquently.

"What's that? Under the code set in place by the great Deku tree, plants, including marijuana, cannot be considered controlled substances and are therefore completely legal?" responded Carlton surprised. "Well, I guess in that case..."

"That's my man. Hit dis shit," said Dre, passing the blunt.

Carlton pinched the blunt between his pointer finger and thumb. He slowly raised it to his lips, hesitating a bit once he got a few inches away, but eventually he brought it to his mouth and inhaled. He held it in for a second, but couldn't hold it any longer before breaking out into a coughing fit. He held the blunt out back to Dre, who took it.

"Ugh! That stuff tastes even worse than it smells."

"Hi! Billy Mays here to let you know that the dankest shit is the best shit! Your satisfaction guaranteed!"

"Alright, sure," Carlton responded through a cough. "Whatever you… say…" His voice began to trail off. A grin began to stretch across his face, followed by a small chuckle.

"Yo, Bill. I think this mofucka satisfied," laughed Dre.

"Ha ha ha oh shiiiiiit Dre," slurred Carlton, his eyes barely open, his head drooping backwards.

"Hup!" Link requested.

"Hea you go lil man," answered Dre, passing the blunt. Link took a big toke.

"Dreeeeeeee, man," started Carlton. "I've been sooooooo wrong about this shit man." His voice was trailing off and he was giggling. "I never felt this… fuckin…"

"Hell yeah, man. Hit that shit again then."


	3. Chapter 3

The friends had already been smoking for a while now and all of them were baked as shit. Link felt an extreme inner happiness, probably a combination of both the chronic at work and the new friends he finally had. This was the best day of Link's life.

"Soooooooo, guys," Carlton started. "Youuuuuuu… how did… you said you pulled me outta the… TV? How… how did that work?" Carlton broke out with laughter.

"Billy Mays here! It's all thanks to the work of this magic little ocarina, which you can grab for five easy payments of $9.99!"

"O…ca…roni?" Carlton couldn't hold back his laughter. He was in hysterics.

"Nah man. Some crazy shit. Ya play a few notes on this thing and some crazy shit goes down."

"Wowwwwwwwww." Carlton took a long pause. "Waiwaiwaiwait wait guys wait… I…" Carlton's laughter refused to be suppressed. "I got a fuckin…" He couldn't even finish his sentences. "a fuckin… fuckin… killer idea."

Carlton reached for the remote. He held it in front of his face for a solid minute trying to focus his eyes to see the buttons in front of him. Once he finally got the hang of it, he pressed the guide button and began to navigate through the menus. He clicked the Adult Entertainment button.

"Awwwww shit, kid," Dre laughed.

With one final click on the remote, Pink Librarians began to play on the TV.

"Give… give me the ocaroni."

Link walked over to Carlton and handed him the ocarina.

"How do you play the song?" Carlton asked.

Link showed him the fingerings for the song. Carlton attempted to imitate him, but was not quite right with his first attempt. He tried again with a similar failure.

"Whyyyyyy does it… why can't it work?"

"HYEAHHHHHH," Link shouted back.

"Ohhhhhhhh… thanks Link. How could I be sooooo…. dumb."

Carlton tried one last time and the familiar glow returned.

"Man I hope you was thinkin bout dat hot bitch when you was playin. Bout to be a major Pause 4 Porno up in hea."

"Dreeeee, man… it's… gonna be hooooooootttttt."

But to everyone's surprise, it wasn't the hot, young, fake-titted, pink librarian that stood before them when the smoke cleared…


End file.
